winter & feeling wrong
feeling: cold and a little bit worn down
song: pilotredsun - vancouver
date: 2023-12-22 (just turned midnight)
yesterday (or well, the hour before this one) was officially the start of winter. it's weird, because it doesn't feel like the start of winter. it was already snowing weeks before that day, and it's been colder than some forbidden layer of hell. my feet were cold, but i just got my slippers on. apparently, my new glasses are already done being made (a lot earlier than expected), and we're gonna pick them up tomorrow. i feel weird, especially. because while yes, my life is getting better, i'm not as miserable as i was earlier this year, there's just this... emptiness to everything. everything feels vacant and cold. it could just be that my friends are less active online, due to everyone spending time with their families on christmas, but something just doesn't feel right. it feels like i don't deserve this. it feels like if i look into a mirror for too long, i'm going to see some kind of effigy of my childhood, a girl staring back at me, afraid of the world and herself. i'm not that girl anymore, at least. i'm not even a girl, lol. testosterone's been going great, speaking of. i noticed my voice is a lot deeper than before i started T. if you told me those two voices (pre-t and 6 months) were from the same person, i don't think i would've believed you.
now i wish i had someone to share these salted peanuts with. if i could, i'd reach my hand through the screen with a handful of them and drop some off at my friend's house.